PERSONAL STATEMENT

If there are two things I do in life, it is to wander and to wonder. They are in some sense, prerequisites for one another. Perhaps it’s the fact that I have yet to get a good grip on anything in life. When there is not a lot of solid ground to lay your feet on, or a sense of identity and calling to wrap your hands around, you have no choice but to wander and to wonder.

 

My nationality is one of two areas of uncertain ground. It is logical to assume all things have places of origin. When people ask me where I’m from, my answer differs based on who’s asking. When a Korean asks me, I reply Indonesia. When an Indonesian asks, I answer Korea. When someone from neither place wonders, I say that I’m Korean, but was born and raised in Indonesia surrounded by people from all around the world. The latter is the best description, but it’s also the most complex, not necessarily for others to understand, but for me to yet process. No matter where I go, I feel as I am a foreigner. To succeed in life, you have to put yourself out there with a go-getter attitude, but when you feel as though you don’t belong anywhere, it becomes easier said than done. There’s always some invisible barrier that stops me from becoming “one of them”. And so, I wander, and wonder.

 

My vocation is the second of the two points of murky ground. Everything seems to have some sort of purpose, whether it’s a gear in a machinery, or a pencil gliding on paper. People around me seem to have purposes too, whether it’s working in an industry they love, or to study a subject they are passionate about. Purpose for me has always been short-term. Unfortunately, when you’re so preoccupied with the smaller picture, you forget to plan big, and you forget to shoot for the stars. I thought my purpose towards the end of high school was to get into a good university and then I ended up in Yonsei. Area of study, future career paths, etc. were not really something I paid much attention to and so, it was only a matter of time before I went into a mid-life crisis. I despised my major, which was International Studies. The major itself wasn’t bad, but I just never felt a sense of fulfilment and purpose, and when those around you have eyes filled with fire while yours is ice cold, you feel lost, alone, and in the dark. And so again, I wander, and wonder.

 

The glimmer of light that finally guided me out of the canopy was the world of video games – playing and more specifically, making them. Games were my sanctuaries throughout my life. It was a haven for my mind to protect itself from the demons. One day during college, while I was playing games in the metaphorical caverns, a metaphorical light bulb appeared above my head, and lighted my surroundings and lightened my shoulders. I decided that my purpose, at least for now, is to be the purveyor of such sanctuaries for the lost like me – the wanderers and the wonderers. Ever since then, I pulled myself back up from the ground, and began self-studying the art of game development. But this was no easy task; as a humanities student, getting into programming was not smooth sailing. Doubts, confusion, and step backs were plenty, and even when I finally felt a true sense of purpose, I still wandered, and wondered.

 

I guess I am still wandering and wondering. Perhaps I will be for the rest of my life. However, I think I can safely say for the first time, that I have learned to enjoy the adventure. Instead of wandering and wondering with my head held down, I am wandering and wondering with my head up and a smile on my face. When the day comes where I get to finally stop and settle down somewhere and look back at my trail – the mountains I’ve scaled and the rivers I’ve crossed, perhaps I will finally feel the warmth I’ve been longing for - the feeling that I finally made it home.